Confidence is not a trait that children inherit in their genes. It has to be ‘sown and grown’ using these seven building blocks.
FIRST BUILDING BLOCK
Connect
When the child is a baby, parents are literally physical caregivers. There is a lot of physical touch - cuddling, feeding, putting them to bed and other parent-baby rituals that need a lot of physical touch. We sing to them or rock them when they cry. As they grow older, especially pre-teen to teenage years, one may find that some kids enjoy physical touch and some may not. You can still continue to bond by popping into the kid’s room and sitting down in their comfort-zone, bringing yourself to their level, making eye contact and talking to them about their day. Set aside 2-3 times a week to ‘meet your child’ and check-in and just be with them. It could mean doing a bonding activity they enjoy doing with you. And keep giving hugs – it is scientifically proven to increase oxytocin levels in our bodies when we give and receive hugs for 20 seconds. That’s why oxytocin is also called the ‘cuddle hormone’. A simple physical gesture like a hug can reduce blood pressure, reduce the stress hormone, cortisol, and of course, and boost immune cells. It conveys “I got you” and “You’re safe here” and million other sentiments without using words. It even works if you just sit close by in good rapport.
SECOND BUILDING BLOCK
Communicate to Listen, Not to Respond
To help build confidence in children, they must feel heard & validated. No matter how much urgency you feel to interrupt them and give them advice, it is wise to hold that urge. As kids grow, parents have to switch from being predominantly a physical caregiver to an emotional caregiver. If we see our child struggling or having a rough day, it is easier to give advice and harder to sit and listen. However, they will feel nurtured if you give them your time. So show up when they need you, and listen without presupposed judgements.
THIRD BUILDING BLOCK
Try New Things
This is often a parent-led decision than child-led one when the kids are very young. Parents often make the mistake of choosing activities for their children based on societal trends or their own interests but as kids grow older, hopefully they choose for themselves. Main thing is when they are trying new things, their brains are developing in amazing ways. Since the brain is like a muscle, every time they try something new, the brain grows. Trying new things teaches them things about themselves they didn’t know they could do. That definitely boosts their confidence.
FOURTH BUILDING BLOCK
Applaud the Process
As much as parents like to see the success of their child in important milestone events like a final grade or project, or admission into a certain college, or getting a certain job, it is actually the end result of a long journey with many ups and downs. And it is the journey which needs to be celebrated, not just the end result. What are some of the qualities of your child that shone through in that journey? Was it hard work or perseverance? Was it patience? Those are qualities and efforts that are praiseworthy.
FIFTH BUILDING BLOCK
Discuss Failures - Theirs and Your Own
Failures and mistakes are a normal part of life. No one is immune to them and they certainly can’t be overlooked. As adults, if we hide our failure stories from our children, they will perceive their parents to be perfect beings, and afraid to own up if they made any mistakes. Failures make for great stories - they are huge opportunities for parent-child conversations. In NLP, we say “There is no failure, only feedback.” The children must feel their home to be their safe space to discuss what went wrong and how they feel about it and learn if it can have been done differently next time. If they don’t, they’ll seek out other ways to cope, and may not always choose the healthy options.
SIXTH BUILDING BLOCK
Model Healthy Coping Strategies & Self-Care
Your child learns coping strategies from you. If you complain, or get anxious, they will learn that. If you choose to reach for the alcohol to soothe your feelings, they are learning that addiction is a coping mechanism. If you blame others for your own failures, they are learning that it is okay not to be responsible and take ownership. And most importantly, don’t kick yourself and dwell in your own failures. If they see you taking care of yourself especially during rough patches, they learn that self-care is critical part of coping. If you model healthy ways of coping like connecting with people, getting exercise, having good sleep habits, meditating or doing simple breathing exercises, positive affirmations, etc. they are likely to pick one or two for their own stress-busting toolkit.
SEVENTH BUILDING BLOCK
Build a Growth Mindset
A fundamental belief in NLP is that 'nobody is broken and needs fixing’. If you feel your child is low in confidence levels, please know that it is not uncommon. Adolescence is the time for tremendous brain growth and often accompanied by low self-esteem in some kids and risky behavior in some others. Remember that both are normal phases and they are doing their best with the resources they have. They haven’t figured it out YET. They are not the most confident person they need to be YET. If they are very fearful that they are in a state of inaction due to the fear of failure, it is important to know that they cannot go from inaction to action overnight. Perhaps working with a Personal Coach is beneficial at this stage. Taking small, baby steps is a sign of huge progress. It is about taking a leap of faith!
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What's important is the action. You don't have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” - Carrie Fisher
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