Some situations in our life, especially the ones that are relationship-oriented, may often breakdown due to a lack of clear understanding of the other person’s perspective. The scenario could be between spouses/partners, siblings, parent/child, friends or between important relationships at the workplace. Sentences like “I just don’t get you” or “It’s not easy to understand you” or “I wish you would see it from my point of view for once” are basically red flags. Take notice! These sentences are a form of plea to you to step outside of your Self and step into their shoes.
Often people try to heal their hurt in relationships like they deal with a dusty carpet - you may continue to collect more and more dust by sweeping it under the carpet OR beat the carpet out once in a while and think you’ve cleaned it. In other words, in an uncomfortable and tough relationship, one may either compartmentalize it or be confrontational. Neither method actually heals the hurt. It prolongs the agony and makes the hurt grow and fester. Year after year, the beautiful carpet is no longer attractive, and becomes incredibly dusty or threadbare.
Before the process of relationship healing can even begin, it is important to get ABSOLUTE CLARITY about the behavior and our reaction to it. It is important to do three things -
Stepping into the other person’s shoes to know what causes that behavior.
To understand a situation where perhaps we ourselves behaved in that manner, in the past.
To reframe the behavior with curiosity.
This is called THE FRAME OF CURIOSITY.
Albert Einstein once said, “I am neither especially clever, nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.” We need to be detectives about our relationships to get clarity.
If your intention and goal is to begin the journey of healing hurtful past relations, it is a critical job of a coach to make sure the client is fully aware and curious. We work with the client to get clarity and to bring out a different, new way to see the old behavior. Remember when you were a child, you learned new things so readily by having a curious mind. As we become adults, we lose our sense of curiosity. We stop asking the pertinent questions that matter, like WHAT, HOW, WHEN, WHERE. We get stuck with the WHY. It is always advisable not ask WHY in matters of relationships. Questions like “WHY did he say that?” or “WHY is she behaving this way with me?” are purely analytical and digs up past hurt. The person you are asking WHY will feel cornered, up against the wall, and will say anything to defend himself or herself. The WHY questions regarding behavior arise from a judgmental mindset, not curious mindsets.
So going back to the carpet metaphor, if you want to work on preserving that beautiful tapestry of your relationship with a loved one, and want to restore it because it is precious to you, maybe it’s worth the effort to take it to the professionals. If you are considering a Personal Coach, your emotional well-being and relationship goals will be my priority.
“Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up.” - Stephen Hawking
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